I’m going to be very transparent with you here. I am not one of those Christians who are always bubbling over with joy; mostly smiling, glowing from the inside out, and oh so loving and patient. I wish I were. I’ve always wanted to be like them, but no. At least not yet. No, I’m more the serious type; analytical and sometimes doubtful in my faith. I ask more questions than maybe I should and I see God more as stern and serious than anything else.
I read devotions that tell me God “likes me”, wants to “hang out” and “laugh with me”. That He’s excited about the things that excite me. For some reason, I find this hard to believe. I know that He loves me. I have no doubt about that, but like me? That’s a horse of a different color. I see myself more as a disappointment to God. I feel more like He’s frowning at me than smiling at me.
I suspect that a lot of my issue is that I put my earthly father’s face on my Heavenly Father, which is completely unfair to God. My dad was a terrible god; abusive, emotionally distant, impossible to please – nothing like my Heavenly Father and yet . . . here I am. I’ve heard that this father transference thing is common and I think that’s very sad, especially when the earthly father was not all that great of a guy.
How to change it? That’s my question. How do I get the things I know about God; that He is faithful “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love Him and keep His commandments, to a thousand generations.” -Deuteronomy 7:9 ESV, that He cares for me “Casting all your anxieties upon Him, because He cares for you.” -1Peter 5:7 ESV, He rejoices and sings over me! “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.” -Zephaniah 3:17 ESV. Those are some amazing truths and I need them to move from my head down into my heart.
I want to believe with all my heart that God and I are like the picture above. I think maybe I’ll hang that picture somewhere with the verses listed above and meditate on them and pray them until my heart gets it. The Lord and I have wrestled before and He has always helped me to understand. I am completely confident that He will help me with this. I believe in my heart that God wants me to know Him for Him and not confuse Him with someone else. “. . . For he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him -Hebrews 11:6b NASB. “For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” -Matthew 7:8 ESV.
Heavenly Father, I seek to know You for who You truly are. I desire to know in my heart, without a doubt, how You feel about me and who I am to You. More than head knowledge, Lord, I want Your truth to grow deep roots in my heart. I commit this to You and thank You that You will complete the good work You have begun in me. In the amazing name of Jesus! Amen!